March 19, 2006
... Divas, Designers, and Debauchery!
Jessika Sterling's "Whirlwind Acclamation to Las Vegas Living" in 2,000 words or less... Viva Las Vegas, baby!
After becoming an official Las Vegas Resident only 3 short months ago, your "Fearless Diva"... and "Media Goddess"... has certainly not forgotten her ever fabulous Bumperz and Bumpettes out there... so sorry it's taken so long to get this column out... but god knows I'd never let you down by not thoroughly venturing out into this fabulous city without sharing every little tidbit of drama, debauchery, and diva-moments!... hehe
As you can imagine, no sooner do I unpack my 15 "Love ya more than my luggage" suitcases of designer frocks, and one for the boy-stuff... and I have to go out a find a tuxedo for my new company's Xmas bash at the owner’s estate... and yes I was severely bitter that I had to "go butch" and was not able to wear a designer gown!... but get this, the boss' estate is right next door to Wayne Newton’s estate!
Gurlfriend, this place was HUGE…I thought I was going into a private community…gate guards…winding drives…bridges over streams…valets…and to top it off, being greeted by the boss’ 6 foot blonde, ex-model, wife wearing an original blue ming-print Cavalli gown! (…she needs to die!)
[blonde segue-moment #1]
“Ok…if I poison the shrimp…she’ll be dead by morning…she looks like a size 10, so the dress is mine…I’ll order my new Aston Martin Vanquish Tuesday…and I can simple move in and take her place by Wednesday…no one will ever know!!!!”
[evil Scooby-doo phantom laugh]
Well, as my lowly Jaguar was being taken away by a very hunky little Latin valet, I proceed to enter through the imported 20 foot Brazilian oak front doors of my new employer, and the 200+ guests, for this lavishly frou-frou affair…only to have a big, pink, nelly purse just fly right out of my big mouth with a rather large, high-pitched “GASP” and me uncontrollably blurting out for the entire group at the door to hear...
“Oh my god, that’s a Cavalli!”
I don’t know if my boss’ look was that of “You’re right?!”
…or “Who is this skinny fag in my house?!”
Either way, it certainly broke the ice…
”…oh, look mini quiches!”
Of course it wasn’t a big deal, and by the end of the night our hosts joined us as we were all spilling champagne on their Persian rugs and playing strip-pool in their private bar, along with helping them try to figure out how to turn on their $100,000 stereo system that apparently only the butler knows how to use.
After that lovely evening, it was time for me to get officially settled in…so of course I went shopping!
Dah’links…between Caesar’s Forum Shops, The Bellagio, The Wynn, and the designer outlet mall, Miss Jessika Sterling has died and gone heaven….Laaaaaa!
[…and the angels sing as a ray of light passes thru the hand-made Italian, beveled glass atrium skylight of the $4.6 million dollar port’e cochere]
All I have to say is, “I’m severely underpaid to be living in this town!”
After 3 pairs of shoes from Ferragamo, 2 shirts from Gaultier, and a watch from Dolce & Gabbana…bitch, I’m now on my credit card’s VIP list. AND, to top all of that off was a little snowboard outing to Mt. Charleston (…and yes, you can go skiing only 45 minutes away from downtown Las Vegas!), another ski trip to Utah and my friend Penny being continually obsessed with seeing the Caribou (…but we also rented a Range Rover to be comfy…which was worth it?), and finally a “Melrose Avenue” shopping weekend in LA with my favorite racy-russians Alex and Steve (…which is only 3 hours away!)
…oh, and we had a Hummer for that trip. (…do you hate yet?).
…AND, do I have some fierce boots from that trip to show you!
From skiing around all the “bigoted mormons” in Utah, to doing shots with all the “I’m just did a toothpaste commercial and I’m going to big a big star, but right now I work at Denny’s- actors” in LA…I’m exhausted…and broke!
So, as I spent the last few months lounging, soaking, sipping, sampling, shopping, drinking, dining, dancing, driving, deliberating, gambling, glad-handing, viewing, relaxing, and of course schmoozing my way to upgrading my rooms every chance I got…I thought you all might like to see some of the highlights with everything from some of the clubs and shops all the up to some of the exclusive suites in the Bellagio with “Jessika Sterling’s Exclusive Bumper Boy Diva-Tour of Las Vegas”... with all the pictures to prove it !
Oh, just one more thing before we go…
In honor of Brokeback Mountain and me being stuck out in the middle of a desert…I thought you might like this also.
Jessika’s Top Ten Signs that you’re a Gay Cowboy!
1. Your saddle is Versace.
2. Instead of “Home on the range”, you sing “It’s raining men”
3. You enjoy “ridin’, ropin’, and redecoratin’.”
4. Sold your livestock to buy tickets to “Momma Mia”.
5. After watching reruns of “Bonanza”, you have to go take a cold shower.
6. Native Americans refer to you and your friends as “Dances With Men”, “Stands With An Attitude”, and “Shops With A Fist”.
7. You’ve been lassoed more times than most steers.
8. You’re wearing chaps, yet your “ranch” is in South Beach.
9. Instead of a saloon, you prefer a salon.
10. You love riding, yet do don’t have a horse.
…and one more little fun thing that came from our long drive back through Utah…what can I say, we got inspired…lol
Jessika’s Top Ten Native American Names
“Dances With Men”
“Stands With An Attitude”
“Shops With a Fist”
“Runs Like a Girl”
“Toys With Men”
“Barks Like a Dog”
“Momma Got Needs”
Till next time my dah’links….
“I love you more than my luggage!